I thought that a Joke posti will bring more happyness and tolerance between some :agrue: members :roll:
I will not try to post everyday a joke here, But if the wave will decide to do so, at the end of the year we might have here 1000`s posts.
Dont`t know also if somebody else try this, but it will be 😃 FUN
The Keen Texas Salesman
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.
"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
LoL 😃
Okay here's another one:
A Man, His Wife And The Cop
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror
pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a
stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour
zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife
dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't
you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃
New Cellular Phones
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand.
He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.
The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
The Genius SHEPER
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a SHEPER standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The SHEEPER replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
My contribution ??? Euh... here it is !!!
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. But more importantly, imagine the slogans...
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
McDonald's Condoms : Things that make you go mmm..........
😮nfire: filakia 😮nfire:
(this post is just because I do not like the number 249, my previous post numbers, and I wanted to close this Friday with... 250 posts...)
😮nfire: filakia 😮nfire:
Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
Thanksgiving Prep
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
And then he stuffed the turkey.
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
A telephone company fired their president after nine months,
saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not the president who's
lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out
and give himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last
week - for a mint! The boy allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher." Also, a student in Belle,
West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. The school principal reiterated the
school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with
the "zero-intelligence" policy...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas convenience store and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the
take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked
the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.
12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Since I got few feedbacks, I just wonder.. Shall I stop posting jokes?
Hm.. I guess I am just passing a Low Inner Confidence these Days :roll:
[quote="TheSpecialBoy"]3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?[/quote]
😃 😃 😃
No, keep them coming...
I don't know any joke. :cry: What should I wrote here instead? :-?
You could laugh 😃
You don't have to post a joke, we'll garuntee there's enough to keep your guys laughing every morning when your boss comes and checks if you finished that report you're supposed to hand in a month ago.
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
:roll:
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHahahahahhahahahhaha!
Admin can delete this if is 2 offensive or big 😉
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
"You know, woman to woman."
😃 😃 :angel: 😃 😃
A Temporary Solution At Best
I've been dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it's no secret that she's knockout beauty. And even though I'm delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.
Every time I saw her, I'd get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it. It just happened!
Obviously, I didn't want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my penis to my leg with a rope. I tied that thing down TIGHT, too.
It would've worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it: I kicked her right in the face!
this is even more cheeeesy than 4u2nv's chat up lines...
Talking about big bulky things: a communicator is so much more manageable don't you all agree? 😃
Need more jokes 😞 now 😃 please
pice Up Your Marriage
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Three Friends' Funerals
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one
Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Thanks 😃 😃 made my day 😃
I'm laughing my behind off 😃
Stop it,stop i say.
My brother definitely thinks that something is wrong with me.
what did this kid saw??
:P