LMAO!!! 😃 😃 😃
it's really nice to drop by this thread once in a while. 8)
Want Fun? Read a JOKE :)
I must have read a ton load of jokes but the jokes that I've read here are new to me.
😃 , keep 'em comin' 😛opcorn:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fast Turtle
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast."
"No turtle is fast," replied the bartender.
"OK," said the man. "Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the wall.
"Told you it would be there before your dog."
pplying For Social Security
A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."
😃
only pics 😃
man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.
"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says,
"So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
So where is today's dose?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Being Properly Equipped
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"
Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"
[quote="TheSpecialBoy"]----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Being Properly Equipped
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"
Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"[/quote]
AHAHAHA!!!! 😃
LOOOOOOOOOOOL nice one
check this out
In a empty Cathedral there were four sisters waiting to go into
confession. The first sister went in the father said, "What is your
sin sister?"
The sister replied, "Well I was in the super market and I saw an
attractive looking man and then rubbed my hand against his butt."
The father replied, "Pray five times to our father, and wash your hands
in the holy water."
The second sister went into the confession box and the father asked,
"What is your sin sister?"
She replied, "I was in an elevator and I saw an attractive looking man
and I reached out and grabbed his butt."
He replied, "Pray ten times to our father, and scrub your hands in the
holy water.
"Before the third sister went in the fourth one leaned over and said,
"Let me go first.
"The third sister asked, "Why?"
"I want to gargle the water before you sit in it."
A Priest wanted to earn money for his chuch. He has heard there
was money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it
in the races. However at the local auction the going price for horses
was too steep and the Priest ended up buying a donkey. The Priest figured
since he had the donkey he might as well enter it in the races. The
donkey came in third. The following day in the Racing forms the
headlines appeared: "Priest's Ass Shows". The Priest was so pleased with
the donkey that he entered the donkey in the races the next day also. The
donkey won!!! The Racing form headlines read: "Priest's Ass Out In
Front". The Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he
ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The
headlines read: "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass". The Priest mentioned
the episode in a posting he did to a Newsgroup on the Internet. This
resulted in the headline, "Priest's Ass On Line." This was too much for
the Bishop and he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest
gave the animal to the nearby Convent. The following day the headlines in
the newspaper read: "Nuns Have Best Ass In Town". The Bishop fainted. He
ordered the Nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer
for $10.00. The next day the paper read: "Nuns Peddle Ass for Ten Bucks".
They buried the Bishop. The following day the headlines read: "Bishop
Died From Too Much Ass".
Good ones. As I have finished the post counts for today, I cannot post more.
But tommorow,you will have a new one 😮
pick one, click it and turn up the blasters. 8)
pranks calls!!!!! 😃
http://users2.ev1.net/~prank/opc.htm
on second thought click the first one! it's dang funny!!!!
http://users2.ev1.net/~prank/opc.htm
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃
:roll:
A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. "How could that be," the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
😃 😃 😃
[quote="FOX HOUND"]A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. "How could that be," the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
😃 😃 😃[/quote]
hehe... 😃
A little blonde girl comes home from school and runs to her mom saying,
"Mommy, today at school we learned how to count and all the other girls
could only count to 5, but listen to me 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 -
that's good isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."
Next day the little girl comes back from school - "Mommy, today at school we learned the alphabet, and all the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H - that's good isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."
Next day she returns from school - "Mommy, today we went swimming. All the other girls had no breasts, but look at me." She proceeds to flash her impressive 38ds at her mom. "Is that because I'm blonde Mommy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 23."
no offense to blondes... 😃 😃 😃
I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
😃
[quote="LAuRA"]I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
😃[/quote]
😃 8) 😃
[quote="LAuRA"]I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
😃[/quote]
i was going to post one today 😃 😃 😃
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
[quote="FOX HOUND"][quote="LAuRA"]I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
😃[/quote]
i was going to post one today 😃 😃 😃
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.[/quote]
:rofl:
Here comes one according to latest posts.
I removed blonde, so no ofence would be taken 😉
Her First Visit
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
😃
Wow, just realized that was my 101st post! And immediately I became 'older' 😉
I feel like I just joined the community, when did all those posts appear?
Glad to be here anyway!
it's not that good but what the hell
Merry Christmas Evrybody 😃
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him
down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'"
that's for women evrywhere
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female.
We should've known.
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
😃 😃 😃
Don't tell me it is posted before! 😃 check it out! 😃
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman posts an adv in the news paper that looks like this...
"Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed."
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell,didn't I?"
8)
[quote="Enrique"]Don't tell me it is posted before! 😃 check it out! 😃
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman posts an adv in the news paper that looks like this...
"Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed."
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell,didn't I?" 8)[/quote]
That os the most morbid joke i have ever heard. :-?
😃