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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Trust
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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A Risky Proposition
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said...
"Clean my house."
😃 😃 😃 😃
where have you been SnowMobile
😃 😃 😃 😃
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Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Best Excuse For Speeding
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''
''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.
[quote="seanmiguel"][quote="MaleBuffy"]Heres my contribution![/quote]
😃 😃 😃 laura must be dying of laughter!!! 😃[/quote]
yep 😃 😃
Now I only need a $100 to get someone clean my house 😉
I hope to see some reactions on this one 😃
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Glass Eye
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies...
.. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Reactions... hmmm... let me think, first I just need to collect my senses 😃
[quote="SnowMobile"]I hope to see some reactions on this one 😃
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Glass Eye
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies...
.. "You just happened to catch my eye."[/quote]
😮 😮 😮
At the local garage a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and another customer asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Of course, this was in the Blonde Category, for shure 😃
Damn, i just realized I am married with a Blonde 😮
Bush BM
President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case of constipation. He sends his Spanish secretary, who knows little English, to the local hospital. She tells the doctor, "Big President Bush, no shit."
The doctor understands and gives him some medicine to take with him.
The next day, the secretary comes back again and says, "Big President, no shit."
The doctor gives him even stronger medicine. A few days later, the secretary comes yet again and says, "Big President, big no shit."
The doctor gives him the strongest medicine he has.
The next day, the secretary comes back to the doctor and says, "Ba-Boom! Big shit, no President."
girl + car = (just download it )
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃
A married couple is asleep, when the phone rings at two in the morning.
The blonde wife picks up the phone and listens a moment, and then
shouts, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hangs up
the phone. The husband says, "Who was that?" The wife says, "I don't
know . Somebody asking if the coast was clear."
OLD jokes! 😃
WHY TEACHERS GO CRAZY TEACHER:
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
_____________________________________________________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George
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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
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SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
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TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to
keep yours.
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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
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HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
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GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Regards 8)
I was reading the CONNECT magazine, and I found some interesting jokes. Might be hard to translate them, but they are nice 😃
On the 4-th class, all the children are taking an exam.
Subject: What will you do if you are the Boss of a big Multinational GSM Company.
All the kids where writing hard, excepting George, who was looking at the window.
-Why aren`t you writing, George, asked the Teacher?
-I am waiting for my secretary. 😃
Two guys where exploring a mountain.
One of then felt in a cave.
-Are you hurt? screams the person that remained on the ground.
- I am stil falllllllinggggggg. Camed the answer.
:roll:
[quote="FOX HOUND"]girl + car = (just download it )
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃[/quote]
This is unbelieveble....Damn, Halogen Fluid, Transmision stolen at the mall.....Damn, My wife is blonde, and is driving our new car....did the 10.000 Km revision....Are you shure it wasen`t her? 😉
[quote="TheSpecialBoy"][quote="FOX HOUND"]girl + car = (just download it )
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃[/quote]
This is unbelieveble....Damn, Halogen Fluid, Transmision stolen at the mall.....Damn, My wife is blonde, and is driving our new car....did the 10.000 Km revision....Are you shure it wasen`t her? 😉[/quote]
i tryed to teach my sister driving
she maneged to scrach the paint on the car inside the grage while the keys were in my poket :evil:
that's why they don't drive in SA
A setback in Iraqi-American relations
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW : Brings Me Women but Breaks My Wallet
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill
SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
it's not a joke but can still make someone happy
:rofl: That GODZILLA's was definately the best one yet 😃 😃
How about this 😃
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Do You???
Two women were chatting and one asked the other,
"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"
Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"
LOL, I heared that too some days after the attacks. But I hope (for the huy) this is only a joke! 😊
[quote="MaleBuffy"]LOL, I heared that too some days after the attacks. But I hope (for the huy) this is only a joke! 😊[/quote]
Nope, S...t really happends....Sometimes....BBut Hey, the uncaught fief is a honest seller 😉