I have a tutorial in the T3 magazine to build your own! Want it? 😃
Want Fun? Read a JOKE :)
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
😃 😃 😃
>A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
>HUGE black guy standing next to him.
>
>The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
>feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
>right testicle, Turner Brown."
>
>The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
>The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and
>shaking him.
>
>When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's
>wrong with you?"
>
>In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY
>did you say to me?"
>
>The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd
>just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me."
>"I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left
>testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name
>is Turner Brown."
>
>
>The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
>
>
Something from www.somethingawful.com 😃
In much needed appliances dept. 😃
😃
Asian Lady
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.
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Chinese Phone System
Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
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Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"
Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"
😃 😃 😃 😃
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are actual error messages from Japan.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Bear on a Rampage
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
😃
Cat in the Way
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
😃 😃 😃
that's for you Link 😃
Dog vs. Fox
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.
Fairy Tale For Our Times
A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the Princess' lap.
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am! Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself.
"I don't f-ing think so."
About a five drinks diference, I come again.
I was bussy....That was not a joke.
So I think it`s time for.....
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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A Rude Drunk
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Bob Knows Everybody
Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."
His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"
Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."
Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."
"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"
They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on in!"
Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen."
"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!"
"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."
"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go."
Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here."
The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"
"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"
"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"
"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.
So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?'"
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Bob Knows Everybody
Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."
His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"
Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."
Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."
"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"
They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on in!"
Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen."
"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!"
"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."
"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go."
Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here."
The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"
"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"
"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"
"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.
So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?'"
[quote="FOX HOUND"]Bear on a Rampage
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"[/quote]
I bet you were the one who wore the shoes. 😃
[quote="kobe24"][quote="FOX HOUND"]Bear on a Rampage
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"[/quote]
I bet you were the one who wore the shoes. 😃[/quote]
a dog alive is better than a dead lion 😃 😃 😃
good one with the Pope SpecialBoy 😃
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Assisted Suicide
One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''
''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.
[quote="FOX HOUND"]good one with the Pope SpecialBoy 😃
-----------------------
Assisted Suicide
One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''
''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.[/quote]
I think I'm going to throw up
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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I Want A Nephew
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
8)
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TODAY'S :evil: JOKE:
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The Engineer
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" :evil:
No Engineers? 😃
And no lawers? 😃
😃 😃 😃
Condom Size Tester
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
Death, Death, Death!
Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about how they died. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy says he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife and another man. But when I went inside, I searched and searched for her, but couldn't find anybody. I was stricken with such remorse for accusing my wife of infidelity that I had a heart attack on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd've opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Dead Again
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Deathbed Confession
The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"
"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."
"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."
And the man peacefully passed away.
Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Strawberry Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
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:smilecolros:
Thanks for the daily dose. 😃
I thought this was kind of cute....