[quote="pandemonium"]sorry mate !
do you want me to delite it?
we' ve posted 18 pages of jokes,who can remember them all!?[/quote]
no no don't delite it
it's nice to remmind evrybody of the good ones 😃
keep em coming
Want Fun? Read a JOKE :)
The Hamster Show
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
Stumpy Legged Pink Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, �Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.�
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, �Say what breed is that anyway?�
The owner says, �Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.�
😃 😃 😃
Blonde - Elmo Factory
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
Blonde Driving
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim�"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim�"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim�"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Not Going To Try This Again
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
here's mine for today:
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis,
Minnesota, who decided to
go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during
one
particularly cold
winter.
Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty
coordinating their
schedules, so the decision was made to have the
husband
leave for Florida
on a certain day, with the wife following him
one day
later.
The man made it down to Florida and arrived at
his
hotel. Upon getting to
his room, he decided to open his laptop and send
his
wife back in
Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one
letter in
typing his wife's
email address and sent the email off without
realizing
his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just
returned from the funeral
of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many
years, who
had been called to
glory just a few days earlier. She decided to
check her
email because she
was expecting to hear from her husband's
relatives and
friends. Upon
reading the first email, she let out a loud
scream,
fainted and fell to
the floor.
The woman's son rushed into the room and found
his
mother on the floor. He
glanced up at the computer screen and saw the
following
email message:
My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has
been prepared for your arrival here
tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
PS: Sure it's hot down here.
Smart Cape Bretoner
These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, �I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.� So the Newfoundlander goes, �Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.� So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, �I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.� So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, �Tell me more about this wall.� So the genie tells him, �This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.�
So the Cape Bretoner says, �Okay. Fill it with water.�
good one amor7 ! 😃 😃 😃
Seems that you all mised mines.
Nice ones 😃
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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The Tree Expert
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to
grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on
the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a
tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of
a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my
friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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Secretary & The King
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a
sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very
important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry
him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she
remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting
to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only
marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement
ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat
diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods
his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And
as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the
best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile.
He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New
York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and
says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary
knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time
to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch
penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands
and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in
African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the
king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,
"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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A "Plumbing" Problem
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about
her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour
in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
😃
😃 😃 😃
😃
Ok, this is a classic and you've probably seen it before but in case you haven't
It may help us understand the differences between us 😃
i woulde like to ask about the headache generator in the female brain can it be removed ???
evrything else is fine with me 😃
😃
😃 😃
Jennifer Lopez's Professional Nipple Tweaker
8)
😮ops:
😮
i'm not posting anything today too 8)
Do you know the Joke with JLO (Lopez)?
Me neighter, but I like the begining of it 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃
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TODAY'S JOKE:
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That Sums It Up
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try
not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.