Want Fun? Read a JOKE :)

The man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading
down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first
bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50
times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and
says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5
times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull
mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and
says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A
DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times with the same cow."

merry christmass 10 months in advance 😃

:evil:

Here's my share of the day...

Joke time!!!

CORPORATE LESSON # 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands
Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll
give
you
$ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in
front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over
$
800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune,
the
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower
"Who
was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $ 800 he owes
me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped
and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and
crossed
her
legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a
look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her
leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.
The
nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised."Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningfull glance
and
went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will
find
glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might
miss
great opportunities!

CORPORATE FINDING

Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally play
football; the middle level managers are more interested in tennis and
the
top management usually has a preference for Golf.

FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

😃

😃 😃

Speaking of monkeys (😊)

Here comes ----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
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Monkey On The Side Of The Road

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road. Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today we're going to Sea World!"

Hi! Can you distinguish your self from the given iformations below?

Outgoing Personality.........................Always going out of the office

Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit

Good Communication Skills...............Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee............................Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified..............Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority.........................Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially...................Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker.........................Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking................................Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker................................Won't make a decision

Aggressive........................................Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs..............Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well.............Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail...........A nit-picker

Has Leadership Qualities.................Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgement........Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor.....................Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded................................Back Stabber

Loyal.............................................Can't get a job anywhere
else

Hi! Can you distinguish your self from the informations below?

Outgoing Personality.........................Always going out of the office

Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit

Good Communication Skills...............Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee............................Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified..............Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority.........................Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially...................Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker.........................Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking................................Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker................................Won't make a decision

Aggressive........................................Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs..............Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well.............Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail...........A nit-picker

Has Leadership Qualities.................Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgement........Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor.....................Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded................................Back Stabber

Loyal.............................................Can't get a job anywhere
else

Little slow here today?

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
------------------------------
-He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
-SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
-Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
-Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
-Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
-The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
-He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
- It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
-The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
-He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

I've been browsing all night to find similar joke on cats, but I can't find one. Evidently they can use computers... 😃 😃

The CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing, there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Given the instruction to kill her husband, she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

😃

This one I just had to post 😃 😃

How a blonde makes a copy of an email?

😃 nice one Laura.

😃 😃 😃 😃
LAuRA-1/blondes-0
good one girl 😃
that's for today

hahaha!!! funny pics!!!!
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃

And here comes the Master.....of....

TADA!---------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
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Back Seat Blonde

A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.

Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.

"Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

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----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Medieval Chastity Belt

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

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TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

That Sums It Up

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

POSTULATES

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try
not to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

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[quote="TheSpecialBoy"]----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

EuroEnglish

...
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
----------------------------------------------------------------------[/quote]

Sounz alot lik ve uz it hir on AAS 😃

[quote="LAuRA"][quote="TheSpecialBoy"]----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

EuroEnglish

...
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
----------------------------------------------------------------------[/quote]

Sounz alot lik ve uz it hir on AAS 😃[/quote]
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃

try this
http://www.pksweb.iofm.net/gal2/heathrow%20announcements.doc

---------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
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Men Are Like...

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

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Speaking of those funny words. Who made them?

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TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Four-Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

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Ok, talking about errors 😃 😃

"XP Error Messages:"
000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
015 - Error Message Deleted
016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

Someone should translate these into Symbian... 8)

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TODAY'S JOKE:
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No Pets Allowed

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??

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😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃